How can my mom or wife actually call my dad out when he reverts to old patterns?

Directly, with the agreement they made earlier still in play. Kris Kluver, in The Dysfunctional Family Office, has Joanne Mitchell do this when her husband Robert starts backsliding the week before the handoff. She sets the serving spoon down and says it plainly. You asked me to call you out if I thought you were slipping. This is one of those times. The room goes still. Robert absorbs it. The plan is right. It won't be perfect. They need to start. They can't keep circling in this loop. Robert agrees and proceeds. The exchange works because the founder explicitly invited the call-out earlier, in a calmer moment, and the spouse has the courage to use the invitation when it counts. Most spouses don't get the explicit invitation, or they have it and don't use it. The fix is to ask for the invitation in advance and follow through when needed.